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Posts Tagged ‘friendship’

Wednesday, I was faced with a decision that I wished I never had to make.  It was coming to the realization that I had to weigh the quality of life of a very dear, very loved feline family member.  Wednesday I said goodbye to my little, precious and beautiful girl Indigo.  I want to first say that she was peaceful and in no pain in her final moments.  I would hope that in those moments she also realized just how much she was loved and cherished.   These past two days have brought up so many emotions, but I keep taking into account that she is no longer in pain, she is no longer losing weight, or having issues.  The past year and a half really took a toll on her and I still cannot fathom that  her brother Trooper is 16 and Buffy is also 16.  I never thought I would be saying goodbye to my little girl first.

As far back as I can remember, I have always had pets…As a child, my family had Rusty 1 a big orange and white tom cat which was from what I remember Kevin’s cat.  After Rusty passed, of course we had to adopt Rusty 2.  Another big orange and white tom cat.  After that there was Nosey and her sister Suzy Q.  Suzy Q was my cat and I was devastated when she was killed by a car.  Shortly after that, when Nosey had kittens – one looked just like  Suzy Q and I begged my parents to keep her.  I guess my begging worked and  I named her Precious as it was such a coincidence that Nosey would have a clone and the same facial markings of Suzy Q (a calico).  Then there was Cleo (short for Cleopatra – another calico).  At some point my brother Keith brought home Skeeter from Long Island and then there was TJ (formerly Thomas Joseph named after a friend’s boyfriend and my dad).  TJ was adopted from the barn at my Uncle Monroe’s house in Woodbury.  He was the runt of the litter but he was a Maine Coon cat.  He grew to 22 lbs. and had a wonderful life tromping through Robert Treat’s Farmers Field in Milford.  Of course there was also Charlie brown our rabbit, followed by Buttercup another rabbit.  Not to mention the little turtles, my brothers fish tanks, gerbils (thanks Lorelei) and all the rescue birds the cats caught.   I guess you can say I grew up in an animal loving family…I was also surrounded by animal loving friends and over the years have adopted in my mind their pets (better known as their children). 

When I purchased my condo I wasn’t expecting to get a pet as it would have to be a strictly indoor pet since I was on the second floor.  Well, that changed when Trooper was brought home from a New London parking lot weighing in at 3/4 lb.  we adopted Trooper.  Fearing that he was lonely, we adopted Buffy 6 months later who had a family blood line of Maine coon cat.  When these two did not get along, we figured if we added another cat, then something magical would happen.  So under Carol Forleo’s porch we went to choose the pick of the litter.  And something magical did happen…  She was a tortoise shell/calico little fidget and she became my little girl (in all senses of the word).  From day one, there was something special and comforting about her. Of course i love and adore Trooper and Buffy beyond belief also, but with Indigo, something just clicked…We connected with our eyes and she was forever engrained in my life, and especially my heart.  She was named after my favorite band … the Indigo Girls. 

Well, immediately, Trooper the male decided to take her under his wings and became quite the motherly figure with Indigo.  They walked around the house together, they slept together, he groomed her.  They were inseparable.  Indigo was tiny and even in her healthy times, never made it more than 7 lbs. Still she was my little girl.  Jake our Golden Retriever joined the crew and as much as he wanted to hang with the cats…Trooper would not allow it.  Funny thing is…Indigo picked up Jake’s puppy tail wagging trait, thus getting the nickname Waggy..Whenever I walked into the house or called her,  she would come up wagging her tail…not something a cat normally does. I smile when I envision how she used to get the play ball stuck in her claw and she would wave her paw up and down looking at the stuck ball until I would go over and get the ball off.  Or how she would mix the water in the water dish with her paw before she drank it.  She also had a habit of not liking to eat food out of any dish so she would bat a bunch of food onto the floor and then eat it.  She loved to chase flash light beams or the laser pointer.  And did her circles around my legs when it was time for soft food. She was also fond of bug watching and would sit at the slider door waiting for any type of flying insect to come within her reach.  That was our summertime ritual, bug watching and if I even said the word “bug” , Trooper, with Indigo in tow would take their positions in front of the slider screen door.    I used to call her my Chakra helper as she used to stabilize me in so many ways.  She was my friend in good times and bad, and knew my moods and habits probably better than anyone other than Trooper and Buffy.   Cats love unconditionally, without judgement.  They nurture their owners and show love in each headbutt, meow, lick, rub and snuggle. 

Wednesday when I realized something had to be done, my mind was numb, all over the place, racing.   It doesn’t matter how the morning unfolded.  I tried to call my mom but she was at bingo, I spoke with one friend who was en route home to MA and she turned around without me asking and just came over and surprised me and helped pass the time until I had to go to the vet.  Another I tried calling and didn’t want to leave a message.  

 Before Indigo and I  left the house, she was sitting so calm on my lap – Indigo and I had a good few hours that morning and afternoon together.  Letting me pet her nose and up her tail…something she always loved.  talking and just being in the moment together.  Trooper came over to her and basically licked her from head to every toe.  Kissing her, nudging her.  Even once I put her in her carrier, she stuck her nose out, as Trooper once again kissed her.  With one paw outstretched from the carrier, Trooper gently walked up and licked her paw and gave her a final lick on the nose.

In the end, it came down to bringing my precious little girl to the vet with the original parents she was adopted by 14 years ago.  I was right by her side along with her other mom who she knew for the first five or so years of her life and also on occasional visits.  Indigo cried a bit during the two minute ride to JFS and then the nest two minutes to the vet but she was calm, at ease, and a certain peace came over her as she sat on the vets table.  She was purring, and even gave me several head butts, and licks.  We were there by her side, talking to her, petting her and ushering her into the next phase of her life.  Allowing her to let go and for her soul to rise to see Jake and all those who passed before her. 

I can say that in the past few weeks, or actually the past year and a half when she started to have more serious  issues, she was more of a lap cat than she had ever been. I would not trade those times for anything.  My cats have been my life and one of the only sure thing for the past, basically, 9 years of my life living alone.  They shared my life 24/7… more so than some couples, or parents see their kids, husbands, relatives, etc. for that matter.  It is so sad that pets cannot say when they are hurting, when they want to just go to their maker, when they have had enough.  Maybe this is because they do not want to burden their owners, hurt the very person who has cared, loved and taken care of them.

I want to believe that Jake and my dad were there to greet her and introduce her to her earlier four legged relatives and family members. 

I would like to believe that she holds no contempt as I would never purposely let any type of animal suffer and I hope she understood that it was out of love and care that I made that decision on Wednesday.  I also would like to believe that when I said goodbye she believed that we would meet again and that I would never forget just how much she enhanced my life everyday.  And most of all, I sincerely hope she realizes just how much she was loved by me, Trooper and Buffy and all those who had the chance to meet her.  Rest in Peace my beautiful, precious little girl.  I am totally heartbroken  – and  Trooper and Buffy miss you so much.  As for me…that goes without saying.   Sweet dreams my little girl.  Always in my heart and mind.

PS … many thanks for all the phone calls, comments on facebook, cards, and the love and support of my extended family and friends.

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This morning I was sitting at the lab waiting my turn to have a needle shoved in my arm to drain out the precious fluid that controls life. For those of you who know my fears…getting blood drawn is one major fear. I looked around at the faces in the waiting room, hoping to just connect gazes with someone, anyone, to proclaim my fear. Nada, zip, zilch. I thought about who I would want by my side during this time of anxiety and thought about those who could ease my fears out of friendship and love. I imagined them right there beside me, joking, easing my tension from Milford, CT; from Dudley, MA; from Lyman ME; from Wethersfield, North Haven, East Haven, Hebron, Southington, Bridgeport, Branford and Hamden, CT and to tell ya the truth, I felt their love … well that… and I think the deep breathing and the positive mental messages (I think I can, I think I can) helped in a sense.

My thoughts were interrupted when there was this woman leaving and the attendant said to her “Have a Blessed Day and see you next week,” to which the woman replied something I could not really hear (I actually was not paying attention at that point)   but the last thing she did say was, “Sometimes love isn’t enough.” Although usually I do not get hung up on conversations I have nothing to do with, it caught my attention. You see, this was the fourth time in a matter of about two weeks I have heard that expression… “some times love isn’t enough.”

Hang on a minute…I thought “Love makes the world go round,” “Love conquers All,” “All you need is Love,” but today, after hearing this statement for the fourth time in recent weeks, I felt like something was amiss. Then I started to think, really think of the statement “Sometimes love isn’t enough.”

First I started to think of the circumstances where I first heard this statement over the past two weeks. I am going to summarize them here as I am going back over a two week span of time and recently, I cannot even remember what I had for lunch!

At the vet’s office, it was a woman who muttered the statement while she was discussing the next step for an ailing pet. We love him so much, but “sometimes love just isn’t enough.”

It was watching Dr. Phil and he had parents on who were dealing with their daughter’s anorexia. The parents expressed how they would do anything in the world to help her get better and heal but they admitted that as much as they loved their daughter dearly, they eluded to “sometimes love isn’t enough.”

It was speaking with a client and them discussing being in the hospital and sitting bedside to an ailing loved one, telling them how much they loved them, and needed them, but “G*d” had other plans and “sometimes love isn’t enough.”

And lastly, it was at the lab this morning.

Now that I am home from work, I have been picking apart this statement, thinking of this statement, examining this statement not only in all these situations but in my life. I am asking myself “can or will love ever be enough?” and I have come to several conclusions based on the past few weeks and my life.  The first one being NO, sometimes “Love isn’t enough.” Love can’t unfortunately conquer all.

Love can’t make a loved one not be called to the pearly gates – we have all loved someone in our lives (parents, husbands, wives, siblings, children, extended family, friends, etc.) and regardless of our genuine love for them, our love wasn’t enough. Think of 911, tragic accidents, unforeseen incidents. 

Love cannot make a beloved person or pet conquer an illness. The healing power of love has been documented yet, again, “sometimes love isn’t enough.”

Love cannot heal a wounded soul that feels they are better off ending their life. At that moment in time, that person is not feeling, recognizing or even acknowledging how much they are truly loved.

Love cannot erase the bruises and scars or words from an emotionally and physically abusive spouse or significant other.

Love cannot make someone put down that needle, bottle, or next fix. This person’s love of their addiction is stronger than any love from others.

A person’s love cannot make someone else love them the same, feel the same, experience the same as what they feel when they look in your eyes or connect with your soul.

But Love is not all negative my friends. As in the same token …

Enough love or the actions of loving someone can help mend a broken heart.

The words “I love you” or enough love can bring a smile to one’s face.

Since the beginning of time, the actions of love has produced many children as most of us are products of actual love.

Simple, little gestures of love, can make a world of difference in a person’s day, week, month or year. A phone call, flowers, a note, an email, a text, or a surprise visit.

Since so many marriages end in divorce these days, enough love can make us part of the minority and PROUD OF IT! This is apparent as many of you reading this blog have been happily married for years, decades or a lifetime.

So I guess what I am getting at today and everyday in the future is that, sometimes … “LOVE IS ENOUGH.”

I wish each and every one of you ENOUGH…today and always.

Much Love… …Sandy

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Since last year, a lot of strange things have been happening in my waking moments and dreams.  I get thoughts, inklings, a feeling.  In many cases, I feel that I can almost determine conversations, and/or experiences.  Weird things have happened in re-connecting with people from my past.  I must admit that I have become extremely paranoid with the reconnection part.  Almost as if saying why now, why here, why after ALL these years. The dreams are so vivid that I sometimes wake up wondering if it really happened, the conversation, the scenario, the outcome.  They say that tornado dreams signify a rapid change or turmoil…I have been having a LOT of those lately.  Whether the instance brought back memories of a relationship or friendship from a few years ago or a decade ago or 30 years for that matter – I wonder why and if something is going to happen to one of us or a family member in the present, or if there is an underlying reason as if maybe the powers that be felt it was best that “we” reconnect at this moment in time.  I am brought back to one of my all time favorite songs by Harry Chapin.  All My Life’s A Circle. 

“All my life`s a circle;
Sunrise and sundown;
Moon rolls thru the nighttime;
Till the daybreak comes around.

All my life`s a circle;
But I can`t tell you why;
Season`s spinning round again;
The years keep rollin` by.”

I know exactly when this all began.  It started last fall when I facebooked and found my RA from college and wouldn’t you guess, the weekend I emailed her was the homecoming weekend and a bunch of people from my dorm floor all met up at CCSU – I believed she travelled from TX just to be there.  Of course I was not there as I normally do not attend homecoming weekend at my college.  She posted photos and it brought back SOOOO many times, memories and validated my years at college in a sense.  I was not in the yearbook (that is another story to be told) but anyway, it was an awakening in a sense. 

There were other instances, though I will not put them in chronological order here as that would be too hard… For example, I was at a local watering hole where I met three of the younger brothers of a forth brother from my childhood neighborhood.  The youngest brother seemed SOOOO much younger when we were kids.  It was such a mind trip in a sense.  Shortly there after, I received a facebook email from brother number four who was my age who played a BIG part in my younger years.  I was totally elated to hear from him and although he did not attend the same high school, he did marry someone who I thought was absolutely wonderful and they actually had a connection with one of my brother’s and his ex-wife (as through our new connection, they also reconnected). 

Another instance was at a benefit for a family friend (my little brother was friends with his little brother) though I knew him and most of his family way back when and he was the one who the benefit was for.  He also married someone I worked with at Subway Headquarters so we originally reconnected about 15 + years ago in one way or another. At that benefit I had the opportunity to see people I had not seen or talked to in 12+ years from my “corporate”  job at Subway. 🙂

In June of this year I then attended a reunion of (get this) grammar school classmates.  I saw people I had not basically seen in 30 years or so.  Each bringing with them images I remember so vividly, just like my dreams.   Would this ever stop???? 

It continued at Peoples Bank where I saw a daughter of an old friend – last time I saw the daughter was probably shortly after she was 6 years old! and she was all grown up, yes a woman!  I ran into her recently, again, in an aisle at the Milford Shop Rite.   She motioned to me that her mom was coming up the aisle and I basically put my foot up and stopped her cart…only to see her mouth drop in amazement when she realized who it was blocking her way up the aisle.  I was whisked back so many years and to memories that I thought were forgotten forever. Meeting at Friendly’s at the CT Post Mall (as it was called then) and then eventually working many years later at Subway together. 

Summing up the reconnections here, then there was a conversation with an ex, an email from someone I had not spoken to in many years, an IM invitation to become friends on facebook with someone who basically “unfriended” me due to circumstances beyond their control and finally.  a call to wish someone who was very dear to me a happy birthday.  All these people from my past, suddenly popping up in my present life.     What’s up with that or this???!!!

It seems like I`ve been here before;
I can`t remember when;
But I have this funny feeling;
That we`ll all be together again.
No straight lines make up my life;
And all my roads have bends;
There`s no clear-cut beginnings;
And so far no dead-ends.


Once again, thanks to Harry Chapin (RIP) for his wonderful lyrics…anyway (YES, I say that a lot)   I have been pondering over and over again why so suddenly (well over the past 8 months or so) did all these links to my past reappear and what did they mean?  I wondered as some of these connections dug up things I would have rather kept buried deep beneath the surface of my mind.  I wondered why the connections stirred parts of me I thought were forgotten, ignored, erased from my mind. But most of all, I was surprised that these reconnections brought back so many emotions – up front and center, in the present, like it was only yesterday. 

I have been thinking just what my life would be like if we kept in touch.  I think about why we did not keep in touch or the moment that the friendship or relationship changed to lead to where we are today – maybe it was other relationships, distance, different goals or paths or something happened between us…a tiff, a discrepancy, or likewise….But I was still left wondering in many cases.  And most of all in these past few days or actually weeks and months, I wonder if my heart and mind would be able to handle my memories and if we did reconnect again – could I take the good times and push aside the bad.  I wondered if over the years and absence could an understanding or a common ground be reached.

It’s funny as I knew for several people….that at that moment when we reconnected, it was like no time had passed – that time basically stood still –  and we could go back to where we left off in many ways…no matter how many years ago.  Others, unfortunately brought back too much baggage (and it actually freaked me out in more ways than one) as I am trying to leave drama for the stage and tv soap operas and to not have it as part of my life.  Some things will never change and for some I knew this within five minutes of our conversation.  I also realized through conversations how much we moved on, changed for the better (or worse) and that our lives were no longer parallel, and that we no longer had the same goals and dreams, nor were we on the same paths to the future.  

In the past few weeks, I’ve looked at a collage I have on my kitchen wall. It has been there for three years at my current residence and many more at my previous condo.   I walk by it every day, multiple times…I am aware of it…I glance at it, but I’ve lately been really looking at it and studying it.  It contains photos of most of these friends, relationships and acquaintances over the past 20 years.  I remember fondly exactly when and where the photos were taken and under what circumstances.  I remember making the collage and the importance of including each photo, person and experience.   I remember at that time what each person meant to me, us, and life in general.  I guess I am now coming full circle with my life and as Harry Chapin  would continue with his song…

I found you a thousand times;
I guess you done the same;
But then we lose each other;
It`s like a children`s game;

As I find you here again;
A thought runs through my mind;
Our love is like a circle;
Let`s go `round one more time.

I do not know or frankly understand why it is happening now or what the meaning might be.  I do know that I am taking each reconnection for what it is, regardless of what it might bring up from the past.  All of these people played a significant part of my growing up years, whether childhood, adolescent, high school, college or my adult world.  And to tell you the truth, I seriously would not trade any of these memories (regardless) as each instance has helped shaped me and made me what I am today.  And these fun loving, great times (and in some cases…painful or confusing moments) from the past are making me think, re-evaluate and take a serious look at life … my life in general.

It is just the circle of life…my life

As I find you here again;
A thought runs through my mind;
Our love (OR FRIENDSHIP)  is like a circle;
Let`s go `round one more time.

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